Chapter 1- this is why we can’t have nice things
Cats claw furniture, dogs eat the floor, and. Filth I love leather, denim and cork floors. All of these things are not proof against kids, giant dogs, or cats. Really, cats get into everything, knock down everything that isn’t screwed or glued. They claw without preference to all things that you love, in spite of the existence of 5.4 million cat scratch toys, boards, burlap wrapped boards, and the specifically designed cat furniture. We have employed the spray bottle, rocks in cans, dogs, and even a scat mat (electric shocks that were employed more in the entertainment of the one with braces than in the discouraging of intrepid felines). Still, cats seem to be drawn to table tops, framed photos or pictures, knick-knack shelves, bookshelves, leather furniture, fabric furniture, and windows. Yes, that’s right, we have cats that scale windows. Next up, dogs. We love our dogs. We walk them, play with them, talk to them, pet them, and give them treats. Hell, we even named our house after a dog that we planned to get before we had the house or the dog. We rescued both of the enormous lunk-heads. We saved them from a life without yards or long walks, or worse…duh, duh, duh. How do they thank us? They eat our furniture (yes, wooden kid proof furniture- you know, the stuff that is made of two by fours and industrial strength fabric), they chase the cats, bark to keep us safe at three AM, scratch the floors, make it inadvisable to leave anything you might want to eat uncovered, pull on us when we take them on walks, and pull us over when there is something that catches their squirrelly attention (leaves, deer, cats, other dogs, the mailman). They are well trained, pleasant, approachable, sweet tempered creatures, but by their very nature, dirty and destructive. Munchy ate a hole in our cork floor and then threw up the bits. Fang’s affinity for creating dirt angels makes keeping anything dust free impossible. We vacuum, dust, and wipe down surfaces regularly, but within moments there is more fur, dust, or a combination on every square inch of the areas they inhabit.
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So, I have sat down to write this thing a number of times. It started as a memoir, developed into a tell all, sidestepped into humorous musings, and is now a collection of moments in my life that I would like to read when I have forgotten the good stuff.
I have long described our family as having the “family squirrel” which is my funny little way of saying that we are easily distracted, but quick on our feet ( with our mouths) and usually fun to watch. We are irreverent, but funny; wise beyond our experience and filled with childish whimsy; quick to defend our own and accepting of applicants to that circle. The title has become the family joke. It started with my father, who was very well read, but also crazy, opinionated, and a big fan of Archie Bunker. I learned early on that if I didn’t want to have to listen to the history of the world, I should not ask any questions, never mind any that might be controversial. We taught the kids to live by these rules as youngsters and found ourselves responding to medical professionals with this statement when they wanted to test for ADD or ADHD. As a former special educator, I know that testing for ADD and ADHD often leads to positive diagnosis (who isn’t these days with a 4 second attention span thanks to the internet and its instant gratification). I also know that positive diagnoses often lead to the prescription of medication that can have awful side-effects. I decided that the kids would all play sports (ha ha- the best laid plans of mice and men) to alleviate any extra energy that they might have. I kept television watching to a minimum, sugary snacks to a minimum (ask me my favorite story about the eldest as a toddler in Disneyland), never served them caffeine except in chocolate, and bought a playset. Years later, those that needed medication opted for it on their own as adults and had developed a fine array of coping mechanisms to get through school, movies, books, plays, and social gatherings. I think you can already see why it has taken so long to get this stuff written down. I boggle myself with parenthesis, side notes, and qualifying statements that lead to other ideas. Now, on with the show. Prologue- why it took 15 years to write this book aka Squirrel Chapter 1- this is why we can’t have nice things Cats claw furniture, dogs eat the floor, and. Filth Chapter 2-Rules about your pud/the best toy I am ever giving you It's yours and you can play with it, but not at dinner time. Don't talk to anyone in the public bathroom and don't show anyone your pud. Chapter 3- Mom, where’s the garbage Chapter 4- what’s in the box Magic beans? Condoms? Chapter 6- what’s bothering Luke
Chapter 6-excited by air Chapter 7- what’s the recipe There is no recipe, you just know when the texture is right. Chapter 8- Driving with Teen Boys
Chapter 11- Huelelo and other fun sayings
Chapter 13- Pseudonym
Chapter 15- there isn’t enough marijuana in this car
Chapter 16- Don’t make me stop this couch CHAPTER 17 I’m a good goddamn time. Chapter 18- first jobs Chapter 19- what’s mom’s favorite word
Chapter 21- that’s shitty chapter 22- that’s nuts Pig at Holmdel Sheep at Monmouth county fair CHAPTER 23- are you gonna eat that? Yes Chapter 24- why do you have to make so much god damn noise Chapter 25- I like to make stuff
Chapter 26- You’re not the boss of me Chapter 27- Tradewear and where to find them Chapter 28- Meaningless Expletives Chapter 29- Crazy Relatives Chapter 30- the revenge of the spastic Chapter 31- Puns. Bad puns Chapter 32 Family Song
Chapter 33- You can dress me up but you cant take me out Chapter 34- what fell out of foodchick
Chapter 35- how the wild life got their names
Chapter 38- reventures Kayaking, kayaking, and more kayaking Chapter 39- I don’t think that means what you means Chapter 40- righteously indignant Chapter 41- stupid human tricks Tongue W Chapter 43- I can’t take you anywhere
Chapter 44- Don’t mess with mama bear Chapter 45- why do my tits itch Chapter 46- movie quotes Chapter 47- Shower Thoughts Chapter 48- All the things we can’t remember Chapter 49- various friend stories Mike getting licked Final chapter- I’m just gonna leave it at that |
AuthorI make stuff. Sometimes the stuff is pretty, sometimes not. My wife, 2 dogs, 3 kids and 3 cats keep me busy and on my toes. Archives
January 2022
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